Post Traumatic Church Disorder - Part Two
[ I want to talk about my personal experience and how it relates to what I wrote in Part One. In Part Three I hope to provide additional data based on research I have done. The following commentary is based on a conversation I had with a friend shortly after I posted PTCD Part One. ]I've always wondered why I felt like my head was in a cloud after the church / denominational leadership crap I went through. It was only a couple of months ago that I read the quote about "church trauma" - and that's when the light went on. So, I started to do some research and began to write out some of my findings. I want to write more about the effects of church trauma (that I am discovering) and also how to experience healing (which I have NOT discovered yet - not fully anyhow).
I believe people who experience some kind of church trauma have various experiences / reactions / symptoms - I don't think any two are the same, which makes the whole topic of healing and recovery tricky. For example... with me, I believe I had some good support and even experienced breakthroughs (and some healing) throughout my experience - some people don't have that kind of support and get worse as they go along.
I can remember the day I released forgiveness to my denominational leaders, etc. – a very important step in my "recovery" - even though I didn't realize HOW important at the time. But lately I have felt "stuck" and I don't know how to move forward - those are the things I'm researching now and hopefully one day I WILL be able to help others, no matter what level of church trauma has affected them.
Stuck. Yeah - like a blockage in my brain - loss of motivation (RE: former ministry, writing music, etc.) - things I still WANT to do, but my motivation is gone and I don't know how to get it back! It's like the church stole the "soul" of my life through the pain and mistreatment (if that makes any sense).
I should be in ministry again. I should be writing worship songs like I used to. But I can't get there. I'm crippled, so-to-speak, and I can't seem to recover.
During my 4 year ordeal I DID write songs about the pain I was experiencing, and about hope. But when the fatal blow came and the denomination cut me off, for no justified reason, I became “blocked”. It is so hard to explain how blocked I feel sometimes - like writer's block - only "recording / ministry block".
I need to ask God about the “block”. And that would be easy if I didn't have an "asking block" too! lol
I love God - He is the foundation of my life - but I just can't seek Him like I used to - I "see" and "hear" Him the most when I'm leading worship - and usually He speaks to me about other people - it's hard to hear for myself. It's like I've had memory loss - and I hate the way that feels. Yes, I still minister, but not like I used to. And when I need to seek Him RE: "me" it's different.
That said... God seems to speak to me all the time - every day - and He leads me... clearly. But the way I seek Him is different, and sometimes I wish it was BETTER. Or at least like I used to be able to seek Him.
Obviously this is a new chapter in my life and some may think I’m in this mess because I’m unhappy. That could be, but I'm generally happy. I don't think this is a "happy" issue - I am content, at peace, love God, etc. It is more of a frustrating or confusing issue - why don't I write songs anymore? How did I lose my inspiration and creative edge? Why don't I CARE that I lost it sometimes?
There seems to be a hold on my gifts. Yes. Like my gifts have been on layaway for many years now, and no one is picking them up from the store.
©2007 PEEJOE
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on Thursday, July 26, 2007 at 11:07 PM.
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3:23 AMWOW that was fast! Ask and ye shall receive I guess. Unfortunately I know too many people like you, and have not found a way to help get them past that hump. Jon at somethig else is my brother and was thrown, almost literally, out of his church. He has the same type of block. I think it is kind of a loss in confidence of the conviction. Thinking that these people that you respected no longer think that you are ok, somehow makes it tougher for you to trust yourself completely any more. That is what I think in Jon's case it is anyway. Thanks for more insights. Looking forward to the next one.
8:33 PM
I have kept checking back for part 2...and now it is finally here. Reading it made me think back, and yes, it is sad that you have a block for writing music. It is indeed a gift and calling on your life. God has given you an amazing talent for leading people in worship.
It is such a shame...the way politics and leaders have destroyed people's faith in God and his people...
1:20 AM
I am confident "that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion."
5:06 PM
hey Paul,
I just want you to know that Freedom House is totally blessed to have you as a worship leader and the times you minister to us are enirely edifying. I am excited to hear what God does to heal you from this and I am thrilled to see a freer Paul. you are a great guy!
9:52 AM
I want to thank you for writing with such honesty. I think all of us on some level can relate to what you are saying but still - it take guts to write with such honesty so thank you
11:19 AM
Thanks Beth. I think honesty is a very important step in the recovery process for anyone who has experienced church trauma - difficult and sometimes scary, but important.
1:40 AM
Did you see the movie Braveheart?
9:42 PM
Yes - I saw it a long time ago.
9:02 PM
Then you remember the oppression that the British placed on their Scottish neighbours
William Wallace said
"enough" and then led the Scottish warriors to victory ... He gave his life to the cause of freedom. FH has used a quote from that movie.
There is a battle scene that this last post has brought to my memory.
He had the men sharpen large and long poles of wood into spears. They took these with them to the battle field.
They lined up and laid the many sharpened spears flat on the ground in front of them. The enemy could not see them.
What impressed me about this particular plan of battle was the discipline it took for Wallace's men to "Hold" at his command. The plan was for them to flip the multitude of spears up in the enemy's face at the last fraction of a second, taking them by surprise and giving them the advantage. It was a tense scene as the warriors stood their ground and watched the enemy approach faster and faster as Wallace yelled Hold! Hold! Hold! over and over again. They were of one mind ... their timing had to be perfect ... at Wallace's command they flipped the spears up into the enemy's face taking them by surprise and taking out their front line. With the enemy floundering in surprise they gained the advantage and won the battle.
This is what I think the Lord is saying ... Hold! Hold! Hold! Move on my command ... wait for the perfect timing of the Lord.
10:12 PM
Call me crazy but THESE things would be great motivation for new music.
9:42 AM
THere's a good thought:) What if your expressed desire for more through sharing/research is the key part of God's plan to lead you into a huge new breakthrough? hmmmm...
4:16 PM
i appreciate you
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