Everything Changes

[ I want to talk about my personal experience and how it relates to what I wrote in Part One. In Part Three I hope to provide additional data based on research I have done. The following commentary is based on a conversation I had with a friend shortly after I posted PTCD Part One. ]

I've always wondered why I felt like my head was in a cloud after the church / denominational leadership crap I went through. It was only a couple of months ago that I read the quote about "church trauma" - and that's when the light went on. So, I started to do some research and began to write out some of my findings. I want to write more about the effects of church trauma (that I am discovering) and also how to experience healing (which I have NOT discovered yet - not fully anyhow).

I believe people who experience some kind of church trauma have various experiences / reactions / symptoms - I don't think any two are the same, which makes the whole topic of healing and recovery tricky. For example... with me, I believe I had some good support and even experienced breakthroughs (and some healing) throughout my experience - some people don't have that kind of support and get worse as they go along.

I can remember the day I released forgiveness to my denominational leaders, etc. – a very important step in my "recovery" - even though I didn't realize HOW important at the time. But lately I have felt "stuck" and I don't know how to move forward - those are the things I'm researching now and hopefully one day I WILL be able to help others, no matter what level of church trauma has affected them.

Stuck. Yeah - like a blockage in my brain - loss of motivation (RE: former ministry, writing music, etc.) - things I still WANT to do, but my motivation is gone and I don't know how to get it back! It's like the church stole the "soul" of my life through the pain and mistreatment (if that makes any sense).

I should be in ministry again. I should be writing worship songs like I used to. But I can't get there. I'm crippled, so-to-speak, and I can't seem to recover.

During my 4 year ordeal I DID write songs about the pain I was experiencing, and about hope. But when the fatal blow came and the denomination cut me off, for no justified reason, I became “blocked”. It is so hard to explain how blocked I feel sometimes - like writer's block - only "recording / ministry block".

I need to ask God about the “block”. And that would be easy if I didn't have an "asking block" too! lol

I love God - He is the foundation of my life - but I just can't seek Him like I used to - I "see" and "hear" Him the most when I'm leading worship - and usually He speaks to me about other people - it's hard to hear for myself. It's like I've had memory loss - and I hate the way that feels. Yes, I still minister, but not like I used to. And when I need to seek Him RE: "me" it's different.

That said... God seems to speak to me all the time - every day - and He leads me... clearly. But the way I seek Him is different, and sometimes I wish it was BETTER. Or at least like I used to be able to seek Him.

Obviously this is a new chapter in my life and some may think I’m in this mess because I’m unhappy. That could be, but I'm generally happy. I don't think this is a "happy" issue - I am content, at peace, love God, etc. It is more of a frustrating or confusing issue - why don't I write songs anymore? How did I lose my inspiration and creative edge? Why don't I CARE that I lost it sometimes?

There seems to be a hold on my gifts. Yes. Like my gifts have been on layaway for many years now, and no one is picking them up from the store.

©2007 PEEJOE