Everything Changes

I've tried this before. But this time I mean business. It's time for me to break my ties with Facebook. So I posted a wonderful article on Facebook called The Benefits of Taking a Break from Facebook and said goodbye to my friends. Of course I had to log back on once to get the link for the article, and then saw a comment to my post, so of course I had to reply, and...

Yeah. That's why I'm taking a break. Potentially a long one. And, honestly, I think I can do it. More honestly, I think I NEED to do it. So I removed the Facebook link from my bookmarks and deleted the app from my iPod. There. I did it. Again, for the third time.

I've always said that social media is really non-social, and I think there might even be science or research that can now back that up. Some scholars are calling it anti-social media. When I was young if you were anti-social you probably had a personality disorder, although they didn't really identify it like that. You just weren't social and you didn't want to be around other people. That's why social media can be confusing. Technically you are communicating with people but you're not with them or socializing. At least not in the physical sense.

I work for a non-profit organization that identifies trends relating to seniors and the changing boomer demographic that will have a huge impact on society over the next 15 years. One of the frightening aspects of an aging population is related to isolation - seniors are becoming more isolated as a result of a number of factors that include the desire to "age in place" along with dwindling family support, etc.

I fear that social media is contributing to a similar form of isolation in the younger population. People no longer need to visit friends or meet for a coffee because they are staying virtually connected via social media. Unfortunately when they do connect in person their smartphone demands their attention at any given moment and often real communication is overlooked or avoided.

I know families that actually text their children when dinner's ready! Convenient? Yes. Less strain on the vocal chords. Of course. Ridiculous?! Absolutely. If we are too busy to communicate in person with people living in the same space then I believe our society is in big trouble.

The irony is that I, myself, might become the one who is isolated simply because I'm not on Facebook. I know that doesn't make much sense but if I need a smartphone to communicate, and if people don't want to communicate the old fashioned way, then I might be on my own.

At this point I'm willing to take that risk.

Four weeks ago I started attending a weekly course designed to support caregivers that have become overwhelmed by their circumstances. Caregiving in itself can be stressful, but when you add additional "stressers" like grief and loss, life can seem nearly impossible to navigate.

At our class last week our mentor used the word "caustic" to describe people that wear us down. A caustic person is someone that demeans, discounts, dominates, and causes you to be generally unhappy. And that can be exhausting.

Who you hang out with determines what you dream about and what you collide with. And the collisions and the dreams lead to your changes. And the changes are what you become. Change the outcome by changing your circle.

~ Seth Godin

Over the last year or so I have used the word "toxic" to describe those kind of people in my life. You know who I'm talking about - the people that go round and round the same vicious cycle that gets them nowhere and only wears you down. They are the same people who perfectly define the word insanity: "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

This season in my life has given me to the opportunity to examine many things, including my relationships - with people, in ministry, at work and in my family. And I have become very aware of the relationships that matter and those that don't.

I can't afford to have caustic people in my life - people that are harsh, critical and are marked by incisive sarcasm.  People that use comments or language that is cutting, biting, mordant, sharp, bitter, scathing, derisive, sardonic, ironic, scornful, trenchant, acerbic, abrasive, vitriolic, or acidulous.

If you're like me you may have to explore some of those words, while you examine the relationships you have been keeping in your life that just might have to be severed - relationships that suck the life out of you with constant negativity, complaints, gossip, selfishness, or extreme dependency.

How to Remove Toxic People from Your Life

Joe Barton has 3 steps to get rid of the toxic people who are poisoning your life.

#1: Establish Boundaries and Don't Apologize for Them
Boundaries are instrumental in maintaining your sanity and health. If people don’t respect your boundaries, they aren’t respecting you. Make a list of your own personal boundaries, and don’t be afraid to tell other if they cross them.

Step #2: Know that Toxic People Won't Leave Easily
In any ecosystem, toxins must be met with powerful forces to eradicate them. Toxic people will not just “go away.” They may push back and become irrational, angry, or act like victims. Don’t beat around the bush or defend yourself; tell toxic people the truth and be consistent and firm in your decision.

Step #3: Recognize Signs of Toxicity in People
You have to learn to recognize the signs that a person is toxic, or it won’t be long before the seeds of toxicity develop stubborn roots. You must learn to protect yourself from toxic people in the same way you protect yourself from catching a cold by washing your hands and avoiding contact with infected people. Watch out for people who negatively affect your other relationships, invade your space, and take up a lot of your time. If a person makes you feel uncomfortable or unproductive, he’s probably toxic.