So much for my holiday goals
- it's been four days since I blogged. I also haven't been reading or getting anywhere close to a body of water. Life happened this week. I knew that my visit would be different, but not like this. My dad is not well and my sister and I had to take care of some things.
Care. We all need it, but when health is affected and you can't take care of yourself others need to step up. Thankfully I was able to be there with my sister as we went through some of my dad's "stuff" (how do we get some much) and managed my dad's affairs. He's still with us, but according to the hospital it won't be long.
What the?! Just 3 months ago he was doing so good! My brother even came for a visit a few weeks ago and sent a positive report! What the hell happened? He fell a couple of weeks ago and broke some ribs. Okay. Then assisted living said they couldn't keep him any longer. Uh? Isn't that what you're supposed to do? Help me with his day-to-day life? No, they said he needed long term care. So, my sister made those arrangements last week and he was moved. Three hours later he was back in the hospital, on the geriatric psych ward, because he got agitated at the nursing home and tried to choke a nurse.
Once I arrived my dad was just not himself. His meds hadn't changed, they weren't giving him psych meds, and realistically he should have been himself. But he wasn't. He didn't even acknowledge me when my sister told him I was there. It was more like he didn't know either of us were there. Damn. What is going on?!
The next day, after my sister and I had taken two truckloads of "stuff" to the Goodwill the hospital called - the social worker needed to talk to us. So my sister and I headed to the hospital.
"Your dad needs to be in hospice care." Oh my gosh! Hospice?! That is for people who are dying! For people that don't have long to live! My dad only has Parkinson's Disease, he's not sick!
My sister's backyard is like an oasis, and I had the wonderful chance to sit outside with my sister a few mornings drinking my Brazilian coffee while trying to clear my head. Unfortunately it rained a lot while I was there and yet we made the most of it. This morning before I left to return home I didn't want to leave the spot I had claimed under the arbour. I wanted to just stay there, drink coffee and listen to the birds sing. I felt so conflicted about going home.
Yesterday I said goodbye to my dad. He was awake, sort of, but he didn't really know me. So, I said, okay, it's time to go. Then I broke down and sobbed like a baby. I didn't want to leave him.
Apparently twice now my dad has said that he was ready to go - home, that is, to heaven. I know that when my dad passes I will see him again one day in eternity, but today that doesn't seem to offer much comfort. I'm broken and sad and I pray that either God will restore my dad or take him quickly - because the one thing I absolutely do not want is for my dad to suffer.
After I composed myself I leaned over and kissed my dad on the forehead and said, "I hope to see you again soon, Dad." And then I walked out of the hospital room. Today he is being moved into a long term home that will provide 24 hour support plus hospice care - care that... "improves the quality of life of patients and their families facing the problem associated with life-threatening illness, through the prevention and relief of suffering by means of early identification and impeccable assessment and treatment of pain and other problems, physical, psychosocial and spiritual."